Man off the Moon Omakes
by Armedlord 2.0
Summary: These are omakes I have made while reading Man off the Moon. Insanity is optional for more enjoyment.
1. Motorcycle

**I don't own Mass Effect, I don't own anything of the Fate series. I am just an old dude with a weird mind.**

What you see here is (eventually) a bunch of omakes that I have made for FiendLurcher's (or Recursive Anathema on SpaceBattles) "Man off the Moon". I am only putting them here as a kind of back up in case SpaceBattles goes nuts on me. If you like these omakes and want more or think that you can make up better ones, just go the SpaceBattles where other made better omakes than I did.

* * *

Emiya has fallen into a conundrum. After fulfilling his duty of being in Mars, he had no clue on how to return and Archimedes certainly didn't tell him anything beyond 'go there and back'. The only way he could think of was to ask for a transfer to the moon.

Well other than the fact that the SA has him listed for PTSD and therefore kept a close eye on him. Whoops.

So until he was in the clear and 'recovered', he was stuck on Mars for who knows how long. Until then, all he had to fill his time was to repair (unarmed) vehicles, reading books (the one about AI's and why they are illegal was definitely noteworthy) and taking over the mess hall as its king.

Got to have a hobby after all.

Still, he was getting a bit bored of it all and was considering if he should bribe his therapist with a large pecan pie covered with three scoops of vanilla ice cream, but one day he stumbled upon a somewhat rusty motorcycle in one of the warehouses. While that may not be noteworthy in itself, that fact that someone tried to give it an Eezo core based on where the engine should be was.

Based on just the rust alone, either the person who owned it abandoned it, was transferred before it was complete or a possible dishonorable discharge. Either way, he felt a bit of pity for it that he pondered what he should do with it when a spark of a memory hit.

There was once a time where he was laid up in bed due to injuries (read: angry females) to the point that he was forced to rest for an entire day with his arms in casts. His friend, seeing that Emiya was bothering the nurses and doctors for news of disasters and war, put in some effort, acquired a TV and forced him to watch some anime.

He didn't want to admit it out loud and acted like he didn't care, but he was fascinated of the concept that anime provided and wanted one. Even if it wasn't feasible due to how he fights, having it as an option was never a bad idea. He just didn't have the time for it in the past.

But now?

Fighting a grin, Emiya grabbed the motorcycle into the sunlight.

(Two months later)

Stepping out of the shuttle, Shepard took one look at her surroundings and exhaled deeply.

"...so this is how Mars looks like huh?" She muttered to herself.

A few days before, she had gotten called in by Anderson that someone wanted her volunteer something called 'Project Tornado' or something like that. She didn't care at first, but the mention that the test was at Mars had all but made her leap for the chance. It was a chance to see Shirou after all. For all he had done for her, to not check in on him at least once would feel like an awful crime.

Soon she was placed near the testing site as she was told that the creator wanted to give her a peek of what she is going to be testing first. Before she could even ask, the rev of a motorcycle changed her focus.

What she saw was a fairly armored figure on a motorcycle that seemed just as armored cruise past her and go off a ramp. For some reason, there was a bar up ahead set at such a high point that from what she can tell, the driver was about to hit his or her head within a few seconds at least.

To her surprise, the motorcycle underneath the driver, for a lack of a better word...transformed...one second, there was the driver and the motorcycle, the next, there was only the driver, now more bulky and flying over the bar and then back to the driver on top of a motorcycle before landing.

Shirou was just the icing on the cake. Now she wanted one of those.

She kept on eying both the driver and the motorcycle with hunger as they came closer and closer to her. Once the driver got close enough for a face to face encounter, the person took off their helmet, providing Shepard a look that caused her to gasp in surprise.

"Sh-Shirou?!"

And suddenly her day got that much better.


	2. Tiger Dojo - Heroic BSOD

In many timelines, one can always see one Emiya Shirou fuck up in many ways.

In this case, what happens when he attempts to mess with the greyboxes in his cyberbrain?

* * *

Shirou blinked several times as he stared at the area he was now in. The last he had remembered was attempting to fiddle with one of the greyboxes to see if he could increase his body's response time without any restraint.

The moment he tried, he saw what was basically the blue screen of death with a tiny logo called 'Windows Grail System 98' at one of the corners. That image flickered for a moment before completely fuzzing out into a Japanese style Dojo. In fact, if he didn't know any better, be was back in his old homes dojo all those years ago. A glance up made him freeze up and pale as he noticed a sparkly banner detailing where he was.

WELCOME TO THE TIGER DOJO!

Before he could even make a response, the sound of a door slam open and a woman with short light brown hair wielding a shinai marched in.

"Oh come on!" The woman yelled in front of his face, "At least give me a better description you damn omake making idiot!"

There was a moment of near silence as crickets chirped in the background. Before Shirou could even comprehend what the christmas cake had just said, the lady smashed the tip of her Shinai to the floor with a meaty thump.

"Shirou," the woman said with big watery tear filled eyes, "the meany called me a christmas cake! I'm still young!"

Once again, before he could even comprehend that as well, he was hit by her shinai with the force of a tiger.

"You stupid man!" She yelled in front of Shirou in annoyance, "I, Fujimura Taiga, am not a tiger!"

Quickly composing herself, she coughed a few times before proudly raising her shinai in the air.

"Anyways! Welcome readers to the Tiger Dojo! Normally I'd have my assistant Illya with me, but she's currently arguing with our omake writer about him wanting her to wear pants in this act! He sounds just like a dad without being one!

Now in the Tiger Dojo, you all know that I only appear when Shirou goes into a bad end. In this omake, I'm here in order to prevent the bad ends in Recursive Anathema/FiendLurcher's Fanfic called 'Man off the Moon'. Hopefully other fans will make up their own Tiger Dojo skits so that person doesn't need to try! Give me more love people!

Sorry, let's explain why we are here now. Shirou tried to make himself better without any saftey in mind and well..."

Instantly Shirou's sight was replaced with seeing a version of his own head puffing up like a balloon before exploding with a gory confetti filled poof.

"Yeah," Taiga winced, "The writer of this made it over the top exaggerated just to amuse himself, but it's fairly accurate that you blew up your own brain and causing the story to end there. You only have that one body and you never thought of making a clone so far in the story or you didn't know that cloning was an option. The end we see is that either you ending up eating living beings or go back to being stuck in the Moon Cell.

Now, before you even try to look into your own brain again Shirou, I would say don't even bother unless you got no choice but to do so to survive. Instead, why don't you try hooking up with an Asari? Oh! maybe meeting a Quarian and learn their skills/teach them how to be more better at fixing things! Heck, you could probably be able to raise a Tali flag by having you save the ship her father is on!

I'd give more opinions, but our lazy omake idiot is falling asleep here and he has work tomorrow so let's stop here for now! Again, I expect others to make up their own skits! Bye bye and see you again!"

Seeing as the dojo faded into darkness, Shirou grumbled that he didn't even have a speaking part.


	3. Anklets Ho!

For Emiya, it has been a hard few months for him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-!"

For starters, while searching for clues throughout the galaxy, the shuttle he had...acquired...had been attacked and he was forced to crash land on a 'seemingly empty' world. Said world was actually filled with a few human slaves and Batarian slavers a day from his crash site.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-!"

The next problem lay that after freeing the slaves and killing the majority of slavers, was that there was no evidence of a shuttle or other flight capable vechicles to move anything around, no hidden floors and nothing on their omnitools even showed anything useful. Apparently they were smart -or paranoid enough- to reset them quite often, erasing any evidence of where their craft would be. It was only by sheer luck that on one of the bodies had, although turned into swiss cheese via bullet holes, a physical map or rather a vague poorly drawn birds eye view of what could be the location for transport a few days away.

What he found was a bigger camp with more slaves and full of Batarians armed to the teeth.

"I'll NEVER TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU DIRTY HUMAAA-"

After dispatching that group, freeing more slaves and accidently torching half the place, again there was no evidence of spacecraft and empty omni-tools. He had to actively search through dead bodies and reams of paperwork to again find a crumpled and burnt map that showed yet another encampment...on the other side of the planet.

"GO BACK TO EATING BANANAS YOU FILTHY AAAAA-"

At this point, killing the Batarians was a no go, thus he had to go and incapacitate them all with blunt blows and a few magic influenced neck pinches to get the job done...with no surprise of all of them pointing towards another physical map hidden within more reams of paperwork, with full details of the world and where one of their bases with dropships lay...which, to his dismay, told him it was just two days away from his crash landing if he had gone the other way.

"JUST KILL ME ALREADY~~~~~!"

Which led him to here. He had gotten to the base, scouted it out and found the dropship...only to find that it lacked any advanced systems of any kind on it...as in a basic computer with all analog with knobs, buttons and switches and no manuals nor labels to tell him what is what with nothing to use as an auto-pilot.

Despite saving people from slavery, never has he hated a planet and a group so much before now.

Once he destroyed their base and captured them all, did he zero down on who was their pilot and interrogated him by improvising a pair of Bakuya Anklets to be placed on his legs, throwing him off a very high cliff, wait a few seconds before tracing a pair of Kanshou to 'attract' the anklets due to their bond to bring the pilot back upwards, only to then and repeat the process of throwing him off the cliff.

There are certainly easier ways, but quite frankly, he was still pissed off.

"OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TEACH YOU! FUCK, I'LL FLY YOU MYSELF! JUST STOP! PLEASE!"

Finally! Finally he can get off this blasted planet!


	4. Pirate Dojo

Emiya blinked as the last thing he was trying to regain air in his lungs after flying through space. He didn't expect to be in an familiar dojo far from the past in his memory once again. Getting the itch to look upwards, he then wondered if the drugs in his system wasn't completely out yet.

For above his head was a sign: "Welcome to the Ti(the rest of the word seems to be scrubbed out) Pirate Dojo!"

As he pondered why there was a 'Ti' in that sign as well, running footsteps, a banging noise and harsh panting made him turn around and really wish he's having a drug induced dream. The person was a tall man with dark hair and an unkempt beard as he regained his breath by the entrance. Appearance wise, he was barefoot, blue trousers and a white shirt with the words "I LOVE LOLI!" glaring out in rainbow colors.

For some reason he instantly disliked this man.

"LAWL! ITS MY TIME TO SHINE!" The man bellowed, "I AM EDWARD TEACH, THE MOST AWESOME RIDER OF ALL TIME AND THIS IS MY DOJO! ALL THE BEAUTIES ARE MINE! EVEN THE TRAPS AND THE GENDERBENT!"

Scratch that, he hated this man already.

"So," Edward said in a lower voice, "I was supposed to be doing a lesson on why 'Emiya Suicide Style' is bullshit fanon, but FUCK THAT! I'm taking over this omake and ask the REAL IMPORTANT questions!"

Edward then ducked as a sign stating to go back to the script flew over his head from the left.

"No way, old dude who's Grand Order English friend code is 557,950,228!" Edward said as he laughed at how helpless the omake writer is. "I don't seem to star in any fanfic, let alone the official stuff, so let me have this!"

In one breath, Edward was directly in front of Emiya's face.

"Why haven't you fucked an Asari yet?!" Edward ranted with spittle flying everywhere, "You were in a world full of sexy, sexy women and you did NOTHING WITH THEM?! You could have had sex almost every day! EVERY. DAMN. DAY! IN EVERY HOLE! What is wrong with you? You got both the Harem and Eroge Protag trait and did nothing with it! If it were me-"

Emiya calmly put Edward Teach on the list of people to really hate as he barely listened to the madman.

"-I mean it's interesting that you managed to kind of get at least a few Asari who kind of knows you, but one seems to be dead, the other now a damn vampire nun, and you made a main character possibly become a Berserker into the Throne of Heroes! Hell, you even gotten a replacement little sister just waiting to grow up and bang you! Course no one can replace Illya and her sexy, sexy magical girl legs! Lickly Lick Slurp!"

At that moment Emiya instantly placed Edward into the 'Utterly Despise and Quickly Impale when met' list. A sign with the words "Bad Edward! Bad!" had then beheaded Edward, or at least appeared to as the head vanished and came right back on his body.

"Pirate's Glory, hah!" The Pirate crowed as he danced a little gig and blew a raspberry at the omake writer. "Can't keep me down for long! I am the invincible one with more lives than a Taiga!"

Emiya then saw Edward quickly duck as his big sister, wearing a somewhat revealing Yakuza outfit -and are those animal ears on her head?- try to give the man a flying kick. Once she touched ground, she glared at the now escaping man -who was crying out to Recursive Anathema to make a fanfic out of him- full of rage.

"This is my Dojo, you bastard!" Taiga yelled as she paused to pull out a naginata and to spare Emiya a glance. "We'll talk later little brother, as there's a pirate to skewer right now. See you next time on the TIGER Dojo."

As Emiya saw his big sister leave with a amazon like yell, his vision blurred to darkness and he hoped to never have a dream like this again.

* * *

Author's Note: Word of advice, never drink too many Red Bulls or you get this.


	5. The Support he didn't want, but deserves

Emiya gave a sigh of relief as he exited the Moon Cell. Not only did he repair his graph, but he also gotten a promise of support if he arrived at a certain location on Earth.

And all it took was to clean a gigantic room and cook for the user of said room.

While cleaning the room wasn't too bad by itself, the worst thing about it all was the utter lack of a kitchen. Oh, the horror of working in such poor conditions. Barbarians.

Still, he preserved with pure courage as he steadily created a workable, if crude, kitchen within several weeks and gave the being the best meal of its life.

The only thing that puzzled him when he left was the being repeating 'Emiya is good civilization. No Emiya is bad civilization.' over and over again.

Whatever, he's nearing the location that he was given. Hopefully it's something actually useful and not something Archimedes lazily picked up that could very well piss him off.

When he got there gave him great pause.

The first person was a blue eyed French beauty with a blond braid. The second person was a glasses wearing Greek woman with unnatural beauty and dark long hair down to her toes. The last person was of a mature blue eyed woman with elven like features.

If he is seeing it correctly, then he is seeing Jeanne D'arc, Medusa and Medea. A leader, a close range combatant and long range support. Not a bad deal in terms of support.

While one could assume he paused due to possibly working with the Witch of Betrayal, it was more due to the actions the three were doing.

Medusa was looking down on herself as she experimentally groped herself every few seconds with amazed wonder.

Jeanne had a look that was a cross between high handed arrogance and anger as she placed her arms under her breasts.

Medea was slouched in annoyance and rubbing her temples as if she was trying to force the world to make sense with her mind alone.

His first thought was to GTFO and run away screaming, but a little voice in his head told him it could get worse if they were left alone.

So he greeted them...with the first bells of alarm ringing as Jeanne began to speak.

"Mongrel," She nodded with a haughty tone of voice, "You took your damn time you Faker. How dare you make a King wait."

What Medusa said only heightened the alarm.

"Know a place where I can get a good fistfight, get drunk or have women to flirt around with?" Medusa said as she still groped herself, "Preferably all three at once would be great to break in this body."

Turning his head before Medea, Emiya gave a look of desperation for answers so bad, it caused the Witch of Betrayal to consider giving it to him softly or give the killing blow. A moment later, she shrugged and went straight to the point.

"Gilgamesh and Cu Chulainn stole the bodies moments before they were ready for the others."

His mind broke and he fainted on the spot.

* * *

In a space station above Earth, Shepard sneezed as she was locking up some high grade booze she'd seized in the confiscated locker.

"Someone has to be talking about me."


	6. Medea Effect

It was after a battle that involved Cerebus agents, Salarian black ops, and a Hanar in a trench coat riding an Elcor in a rainbow tutu that was driving a rather large motorized unicycle, that Shepard and Emiya stared at their newest recruit, a young robed girl with bluish hair, walk up to an injured soldier...and stab him with a dagger to the head.

"Emiya?" Shepard said with the most monotone voice she could give while staring at what seems like a murder happening right in front of her, only for the stabbed area to somehow heal various deadly wounds.

"What is it Shepard?" Said Emiya as he too watched the girl repeatedly stab more soldiers back to full health.

"You know, when you told me of a method to save some creds in medical bills-"

"PAIN BREAKER!"

"- I did not expect someone actually stabbing us to be the way to go."

"PAIN BREAKER!"

"I mean, I got used to getting stabbed by her-"

"PAIN BREAKER!"

"But then she cooked us pancakes made out of a tentacle demon from hell."

"PAIN BREAKER!"

"...don't you know ANYONE normal?"

At that, Emiya looked up into the sky as if considering his choices, ignoring the repeated cries of a Noble Phantasm going off.

"...Let's just say the two that I know of, but the first one has two sisters that love to tease her so she's currently in hiding and the other one is smacking around a pink haired crossdresser with a flag."

"God damn it Emiya."


	7. Waste not, want not

It was one of the most headache inducing things for Shepard to even think about.

It all started out with her complaining that she wanted a little more help on the front lines as Emiya was the long range hacker and herself as a close to middle range combatant. She was tired of getting shot up a bunch with every mission and the costs of a new liver just keeps getting higher and higher lately. She tried, but Emiya still wouldn't give her access to the good stuff to matter how she pleaded, demanded or tried to outright bribe him with a fully equipped kitchen.

So she tried asking for something else.

"Can you get me someone who doesn't mind being a bullet sponge as I use them like a meat shield?"

Blinking at that, Emiya had his usual look of thoughtfulness before he frowned. He told her that he knew of one person that could certainly fit the bill, but that he hated that man's guts and would rather shove a few grenades up that idiots ass than to deal with him.

As long as the guy was willing to get hit, she didn't care. Her paycheck was so low that it would take years to get her very own pimped out Mako. Get him, she says.

With a sour look at her, Emiya asked for at least a week to get him. She let him, expecting to see some huge man with muscles the size of her head in extremely heavy armor as the payoff.

What she got was a ponytailed man who was a little shorter than Emiya in a blue suit that seemed so skintight, he may as well be wearing nothing at all.

At first, she was miffed at her expectations being shot down, but once there was a fight, the man was practically in the thick of it, with all the attention on him and him alone. Tell him to fight a squad armed to the teeth and he'd go after them laughing all the way. Give him enough booze to outfit a bar and have him fight Krogan Battlemasters who are carrying shotguns with unlimited ammo? Just watch at a snipers distance to witness the fun and deny ever ordering him to do that.

But then came the problems.

First was all the sexual innuendo that came from him. If it looked vaguely humanoid, was female and had a pulse, he hit on it. Repeatedly.

That included herself of course. Of course, she had attempted to make him stop via a punch to the gut, but that seemed to encourage him more.

Next was that if there wasn't enough booze or a fishing place nearby, the man seemed to somehow piss anyone off and start a fight at the drop of a hat. Pissing off people good in a fight, but bad everywhere else though.

The main target of who he pisses off the most seems to be Emiya (un)fortunately enough.

They bicker about who goes first in combat. They bicker about being forced to live in the same room. They bicker on who gets to german suplex the Krogan. Fuck, they can even bicker about who gets to go first to use the bathroom!

If she could go back in time, she'd slap herself silly for ever getting Emiya to recruit this man.

What kind name was Cu Chulainn anyway?

* * *

It was days later where she, Emiya and Cu were sent to someplace in the middle of nowhere because Emiya stated that they had to be there for some reason and dissappeared without so much a goodbye. She had thought that she was going to be alone with a very infuriating man, but Cu had then decided to go out hunting for a bit, giving her a much needed reprieve even for a little while. Once Cu got back though, she glanced at what he had caught.

In his arms was a dead Varren. All that she could recall about Varren was that Krogans and Batarians use them to fight enemies. That and look fishy-like.

Within minutes, Cu had set up a barbecue without asking and the smell of roasted Varren filled the air. After Cu had carved up a leg for himself and one for herself to eat, did Emiya appear.

At first she thought the two were about to bicker about the Varren barbecue, but she managed to catch a glimpse at Emiya's face for a second before it became nonchalant. A face she had seem all too well. Emiya's 'I'm going to mess with you' face.

Leaning back, she watched as Emiya sat down and took a fair strip of the Varren and took the time to chew on it. Upon seeing this, Cu couldn't help but talk.

"You may be some fancy pansy cooking asswipe of a god in a kitchen," Cu taunted at Emiya, "But I can certainly beat you in cooking up beasts on the spot outside."

At that Emiya seemed to act in an agreeable tone as he nodded at him.

"I do still need to learn many things after all."

Where was the snark, she thought. Why did Emiya had that look and not do anything?

It wasn't until Cu has his third serving before Emiya asked him a question.

"Say," he said in a casual tone, "Do you happen to know what these are by the way?"

"I don't know and don't really care," Cu stated after spitting out a bone, "If you got something to say, then say it."

"Well, it's called a Varren and it has the nickname of 'Fish'...something."

She caught that Emiya obviously paused at his explaination for some reason. Why?

"I'm eating fish?" Cu said in a happy surprise, "Sweet!"

"...Oh, right," Emiya said as he slapped in head in realization, "It's nickname is 'Fishdog'."

It was an interesting sight seeing a man being fully happy to a man with bulging eyes of rage as he began to induce self-vomiting in a corner.

"You made me eat DOG?!" Cu roared in anger, "You asshole!"

As the two began to begin round three thousand of bickering, Shepard took a glance at the leftover Varren, shrugged and pulled a juicy slab of meat from it.

Waste not, want not after all.


	8. Late to the party

A holoscreen turns on and generic music sounds out with the logo 'SA News' appearing for a few seconds before fading to black. Moments later, the lights turn on and for all to see is a red eyed man with blond hair dressed in black sitting behind the standard news desk.

"Welcome mongrels to watch my glorious figure," the man said in all seriousness, "I am Gilgamesh and I have bought this entire news station for my own desires."

The camera moves to the left side of the newly introduced Gilgamesh as the animated image of young men and women cheering and somehow swimming in gold appeared.

"Giving them all a potion of youth and gold coins was not too much of a bother for a king such as I."

The image faded, causing the camera to refocus on Gilgamesh, who suddenly had a frown on his face.

"What, you want the news?" The man paused for a few seconds before nodding in a self assured manner, "Let it be known that I am a gracious king and thus I shall bestow you what I find amusing."

The image changes from Gilgamesh to an overhead view of what looks like a Academy.

"Just recently it has come to my attention that some beings called Asari now have a new craze for human chefs. You can see them crowd in gourmet shows and various popular five star restaurants from all over Earth. There is even one that apparently yelling about getting even with some Shirou or other as she barely passed the most elite of cooking academy: The Tosuki Culinary Academy."

The image goes back to Gilgamesh.

"Now I hear that she is yelling about some mongrel called Yukihira or some other. No matter, let us seek entertainment with the one I sent to Tuchanka."

The scene changes towards viewing a pony-tailed man in blue as he seems to be stabbing at something below the camera line. A title appears reavealing his name to be Cu Chulainn along with the title 'no luck fool'.

"Stupid dog!" Cu said in anger, "All I wanted was to borrow (steal) his fishing gear in his treasury and he tosses me into the middle of damn nowhere! That bastard could have said no!"

Ducking, he stabbed at something that was about to claw his eyes out. It took a second for the camera to refocus and reveal it to be a Varren.

"You stupid gold bastard! How is this place a good place to get my fishing materals? It's just dogs everywhere!"

Suddenly he stiffened before turning around as something long and huge bursts out of the ground. The title changes from Cu Chulainn's name to 'Oh shit! Thresher Maw!'

"I wonder how big a fish I can get from that," Cu mused as he lifts his spear over his head, "I guess I owe that bastard something after all."

Just before Cu Chulainn leaped in towards the Thresher Maw for an obviously epic fight for the ages, it goes back to Gilgamesh with an even bigger frown. (And totally not because the omake writer can't write a fight scene to save his life! Honest!)

"So that fool still lives," he grunted out as he turned to the side, "no matter, perhaps my mood will lift once I hear my beloved- you're not Arturia..."

The scene changed to a blond woman in a red dress that indecently exposed -ahem- that allowed people to see her legs and cleavage as she seemed to puff up with glee at being seen.

"Fear not my fellow royalty!" The woman exclaimed as she placed a hand on her chest, "For I, Nero, willingly helped my fellow Saber out once she had heard Mumei was in some Citadel or other. And now, a song from me!"

Anyone could clearly see her sucking in a lot of air before bellowing out a note.

"ROoOo0oO0-"

It changed back to Gilgamesh, who's hand was frantically making cutting motions along his neck.

"This king is now tired," he said with as much dignity as possible, "Therefore the king that is I shall end this broadcast for now. Once I regain what is mine and destroy a certain Faker, will this broadcast continue once more. Goodnight you mongrels."

The generic music plays and the holoscreen turns off, with our view now turning towards three viewers. The first was Shepard, who looked at the second one, Emiya, put his head down to his hands. The third was a regal looking blond woman in blue who was in the middle of eating a very large turkey with all the fixings between her hands.

"So Emiya," Shepard said while she tried and fail to hold in her laughter, "I just can't go anywhere with you without something stupid happening huh?"

At that, only Emiya groaned.


	9. Want no Trouble!

It was a rather quiet week for Emiya as he (or rather his body) rested in his sleeper pod while the Normandy was hovering over Earth's Moon. No explosions, no women trying to jump him for no reason, no sudden fights or even groups of Salarians or Turians screaming out 'RedHax!' at him. Hell, Shepard was even given a week off duty brake where she did nothing but read or watching old Earth videos.

Wait, nothing but read or watch videos? Shepard, the one that kept persisting in wanting his gear and then later for his ability to cast magecraft once he told the truth non-stop? That same person that treats both her body and her gear like how a kid would be in a candy store?

He quickly woke his body up and exited the sleeper pod, with the worried decision of finding Shepard before she did anything stupid in his mind. Her room? Empty. Navigation? Nope? Cockpit? Other than Joker, who was happily eating a pie he made, nadda. The Mess Hall? Other than an empty pile of pie trays and a bawling chef who swears that he'll best Emiya yet, no dice.

It was at the storage area that he spotted her along with Williams and Alenko as they grinned like idiots while carrying a eleven foot step-ladder as they walked towards a spray painted circle with random symbols that meant nothing at all. He pinched his nose as they set the step-ladder down in the center, walked outside the circle in a triangle formation, turned to face each other, knelt down and chanted "Jackie Chan, Come forth!" several times.

"Hey!" He yelled, quickly tired of their antics, "Give me a proper reason of what the fuck you guys are doing here."

Not one to be deterred, Shepard ordered the two others to keep on praying as she walked up to Emiya.

"Well," Shepard said without a tone of guilt, "after you told us that the Mooncell was where you came from and contained records of all of Humanity, which Jackie Chan should of course be in...we just wanted to try to summon Jackie Chan."

"But," Emiya tried to point out, "That's not how the Moon-"

At this, Shepard raised her hand and interjected.

"Then you do it."

"Bwuh?"

"Look," Shepard stated after enjoying Emiya's surprised look for a moment, "We can do all the arguments on what it does and all that if you want or you can prove to us that it can't be done by doing the summoning thingy for us. Just do it for us and if it can't be done, then we'll shut up about it. Deal?"

And so Emiya had to clean the storage area up, erase the circle with a real summoning circle and did as told just so he can smugly tell them that it can't be done.

Moments later, he was staring at a Haul truck with a Chinese man driving it as he heard the words "I'ma Servant Rider and I don't want no trouble!" coming from that mans mouth. He promptly ignored the three giving high fives as they cheered about having Jackie Chan on the team.


	10. Energy Drink-fueled Fever Dreams

Blinking as he once again looked around at a very familiar dojo, Shirou wondered what went wrong as all he did was taking a damn nap!

Glancing above, the words "Mikon Dojo!" with the silhouettes of two females with animal ears facing each other drifted by with a lazy air. As a belated side note, he was seeing himself in third person as he waved his hand over the words.

Shirou wondered if the omake writer was on crack as Japanese idol music suddenly blared out, the lights dimming to near darkness, two shadows with fox ears and tails drop to the floor in front of him and posed as if the first was about to crane kick someone and the second doing a ground pound.

"To shower our readers with our love," the lights shine on the first one, revealing blue colored courtesan clothing, pink hair and golden eyes, "Tamamo-no-Mae appears!"

"Filling your stomachs with omurice," lights then shine on the second one revealing a a maid outfit, animal paws on her hands and feet and a similar physical appearance to Tamamo, "Tamamo Cat (just call me Cat!) appears! Woof!"

The two then began to move their bodies around to provide loads of fanservice for all of those who only care for the T and A.

...you know who you are...

"WELCOME," the two said as they stood straight up and began to clap, "TO THE MIKON DOJO!"

For some reason all the music paused just to let the sound of a kazoo drift by for a few seconds before resuming.

"Now," Tamamo said as she pointed up in the air, "Normally, You'd be in these dojos is because you had died or reached a bad end, but not this time!"

"That's right, rahr!"Cat said while jumping, her breasts seemingly going in Baywatch slo-motion as they bounced around, "This time, you are here along with our viewers just to see some advertising! We totally aren't doing this to get more screentime! Honest, Wo-oof!"

We see Tamamo slam an elbow into Cat's gut, sending her offscreen with a crash.

"And now," Tamamo said, acting as if she didn't cause an act of violence, "Our feature item we are advertising!"

The lights again go to near pitch darkness and the forms of Tamamo and Cat are barely seen moving things around as the music stops playing only for a drum roll to play for a minute. Once the drum roll ends, the lights center on a pedestal with a black can with a massive green M appears. On each side is both Tamamo's in a cheering pose with fanfare music playing along.

"It's the Micoon (TM) Energy Drink!"

Tamamo abruptly appears in front of the screen as she opens up a can of Micoon, chugs it down and throws away the can into a trashcan twenty feet away with a perfect non-look backhanded throw.

"Need the energy to write millions and millions of words everyday-hey?!"

Tamamo is then seen being pushed into the background by Cat who is also drinking a can of Micoon before crushing the can with her forehead.

"Got a busy day and little time to recover? Mikoooon!"

At this, Cat was grabbed by her leg and flung away by Tamamo, who was chugging down another Micoon can before tossing it in an angle, where it bounces and ricochets several times before entering another trashcan.

"Ran out of energy for your Tantric Ritual with your Servant? Mikooooon~!"

Cat again with a tackle you'd see in American Football, once again drinking and crushing a can of Micoon with her forehead.

"Need to be at the top of your game before a battle? Mikoooooon~!"

A Dropkick by Tamamo sends Cat flying away. Another chugging of Micoon and suddenly something that looks like a training dummy appears off distance as Tamano holds up a ball of flaming death above her head.

"Need your Noble Phantasm to be at six hundred percent? Polygamy Castration Fist Style-"

At this point, Edward Teach walked in front of the training dummy, full of cheer.

"HEY GAIZ!" Edward bellowed out,"I HEAR WE'RE DOING A DO-"

"FLAMING CASTRATION BEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMM!"

"OHHHHH?! RIGHT IN THE NUTS!"

The screen zooms up to Teach's face of pain for several seconds. A subtitle appears saying "No balls were hurt during the filming of this ad! Honest!" right below his shaking chin.

The view switches back to the pedestal with the unopened can of Micoon with both Tamamo's present beside it. If one cared to look to the side is Teach in fetal position and whispering that Pirate's Glory saved his baby makers.

"This drink can bring you to the greatest heights!" The Tamamo's said in sync, "We guarantee the taste is supreme and in three thousand different flavors!"

A few seconds pass before both seem to lose the color in their bodies. Their bodies became SD figures as Tamamo knelt with her hands on her stomach trying not to hurl and Cat holding her head in pain.

"Ohhh..." Tamano groaned in pain, "Another drink and my E-Rank Endurance will explode!"

"I could handle another drink," Cat said while rubbing her head, "But crushing those cans feel like I'm hitting Gameboys on my head! Woof!"

"Quick Cat! Tell us what's our next to do!"

"Right, Woof! The next things are...mumble, mumble..."

The Tamamo's seem to be whispering to each other with things like "C-rank Endurance..." and "Recursive Anathema did do a pairing..." before staring at Shirou with hearts in their eyes.

"Shirou!" the duo screamed in happiness as they returned to their normal forms and dive bombed Shirou before he even took a step back to escape, "Love us!"

The screen quickly goes black as sounds of sex echo in the background.

"MICOON ENERGY DRINK," Bellowed a voice as it tried to volume over the sounds of sex, "FILLED WITH VITAMINS AND MINERALS TO KEEP YOUR BODY FIT! NOTE THAT IT DOES NOT REPLACE THE NEED FOR SLEEP AND IT DOES NOT GIVE YOU A TAMAMO TO HAVE SEX WITH NOR MAKE YOU A SEX GOD LIKE SHIROU EMI- YOU FUCKING BASTARD! GO EXPLODE AND DIE ON A-"

BZZT!

~Technical Difficulties!~

BZZT!

The screen lights up with both Tamamo's in bathroom robes, smoking on cigarettes (smoking is bad for you!) with Shirou in the center looking like a mummified corpse and the background looking like a heavily censored blur of white things dripping here and there.

"The Micoon (TM) Energy Drink" The Tamamo's said in sync with their hands in a v pose, "The official drink of Man Off The Moon!"

Emiya woke up in alarm as he woke up in the sleeper pod. He quickly checked his own body for missing parts before exiting to get a quick shower. Along the way, he spots Shepard drinking a black can.

"Yo Emiya!" Shepard said between gulps, "We got this new energy drink and-"

Let it be said among the Normandy that Shepards first order as a Spectre was to ban a certain drink ever appearing on board.


	11. Attack of the misunderstood plot device

Things were quite interesting for Jane Shepard. On her way before becoming a Spectre, assassin's were out to kill her before entering a bar, a disgrace of a human hitting on her while getting info in a bar, a gunfight in a clinic, then another gunfight getting into a bar as well as out of it and finally a mad dash in effort to save a Quarian with important data to expose Saren as the traitor to the Council.

She thought nothing could top it for the rest of the day.

Having a group of various races walk up to Emiya and declare themselves as the Underground Citadel Cooking Masters and challenging him to a cook off decided otherwise.

So here she was, standing beside a door as she enjoyed watching Emiya go Iron Chef on their asses (only because there's a good chance of her snacking on some of it for free of course) when an old male human in messy clothing and eyes that screamed crazy limped over.

"You'd be Shepard yeah?" the old man asked and when she nodded after a moments thought, "then that man be Emiya Shirou correct?"

Noticing that she tensed up on hearing that name, the old man gave an amused hum before continuing.

"Unsurprising that he never mentioned me," The man said before giving an attempt of a bow that nearly caused him to fall, "For I am Zelratch, the maker of bad fanfiction plots!"

The title he gave stunned her into stupidity long enough that Zelratch frowned when he wasn't given his due.

"I see that I am unappreciated here. I wonder how much respect I shall get once I give you the memories of being a man!"

At that, the man immediately hunched over and looked like a cross being a seizure and trying to take a dump with his index fingers pressing into his head. Seconds later, he sighs in relief, only to give out a startled squawk of surprise when all she did was to stare at him.

"Wait," Zelratch stammered, "Where is the anguished screaming? The crying, the begging, the 'I am so sorry almighty one' everyone says to me?"

At every point she just shook her head in the negative while wondering if he was on drugs or off them.

"...not even the memory of Emiya banging with the male you?"

Blushing at that, she shook her head resolutely. Getting drugged up to the gills due to a Krogan posing as a battering ram caused her to ask Emiya to go bang with her that one time and now it became a running joke no matter where she went.

"This cannot be!" Zelratch exclaimed with so many useless gestures, "For I am Zelratch and I must troll!"

A rather loud 'pomf' was heard and seconds later, Shepard noticed a dart embedded into the mans backside.

"NOOO!" Zelratch screamed in horror, "My trolling powers! Fading away! Nothing without them! Must Troll~"

Zelratch then slumped over as he continued to whine about trolling. A man in a chef uniform walked over, holstered his tranquilizer gun and picked the non struggling man up.

"Sorry about that," the chef replied, "Usually Greg is an okay guy when on the meds, so don't mind him too much. I'll get him out of your hair now. Come on Greg."

Watching the weakly complaining person re-named Greg being hauled away, she shrugged before turning around and seeing Emiya (who was wearing a pink apron stating that 'real men can cook and wear pink' for some reason) walking over, in one of his hands a tiny trophy with the words 'Galaxies Toughest Chef' written in gold, the other a huge plate of food that's obviously for her.

"Sorry for the wait," Emiya apologized as he handed over the plate, "I hope you weren't bored while I was cooking."

"Oh not much," she said as she dug into the meal, "just had an encounter with a crazy man who proclaimed himself to be Zelratch and - wait, you tensed up. What's wrong?"

"Just to make sure," Emiya said as he considered his words, "Did he say Zelratch or Zelretch?"

"Pretty sure it was Zelratch, why?"

"Oh," Emiya deflated as the apron disappeared off of him, "then it's of no concern then."

* * *

Frowning for a moment, one Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg wonders about why do bad writers keep on using really bad copies of him as plot devices and blames it on one (in)famous fanfiction writer before tending to his newest protege.

* * *

**Author's Note: This old man is of course old and usually little time to spend on anything so omakes are usually made with a smartphone on an hour long bus ride. Mobile settings on this site doesn't allow posting up stories and this old man doesn't care on how to get around that. This also can make this old man forget to post it up on a PC due to how tired this old man is, so opps.**


	12. Food War Three

Shepard had always thought that Emiya would always be her top rival. She teamed up with him in basic, got into the N line because of him and even managed to give him a few surprises.

Sure she had to replace an internal organ, was hopped up on combat drugs and gotten broken bones, but it was worth it!

But now, staring into aqua eyes* that could make even battle hardened Krogans think twice, in melee range and faced with a fastly dwindling supply, does Shepard begin to believe to re-evaluate her list.

Armed with just two long and slender wooden poles that she wielded in one hand, a ceramic object fully loaded for war in another, her opponent moved with slow, but consistant grace befinited of a warrior who experienced many battlefields as she demolished all around her.

Shepard's mistake at first was trying to secure Point D for supplies, but her opponent ignored it completely and attacked Point A and B simultaneously with a deft hand. C would have been taken as well if not for Shepard lightning fast pronged assault blocking those deadly poles from striking the white hot flesh that was hidden underneath a thin layer of golden brown armor there.

Thinking fast, she drew her secondary weapon (a knife) and tried to forcibly slash at the wooden poles, only to go in dismay as she witnesses her edge go dull and then crack seconds later.

She used reinforement on her weapon? That's cheating!

Switching her primary weapon to her left hand, she used her omnitool to hastily forge more knives before refueling at Neutral Grounds Point E and F.

A third force appeared to take the vital rescources and Shepard issued a warning to back off, but was ignored as the force ignored all hailings and stole from all Points shamelessly. Looking at her rival, the two made a quick truce was struck and they hit hard at two points, quickly defeating the plunderer with ease.

Sighing in relief, she noted that the truce was quickly shattered as Point C was under attack once more.

She will defend that chicken even if it costs her her life!

* * *

Off to the side, Williams looked on as Food War Three continued on. Moments later Alenko arrives to look as well.

"So, who's winning?"

"Well Saber ate almost all the Teriyaki Beef and the Salt and Pepper Pork with Shepard desperately defending the Roasted Chicken."

"Any explaination why Wrex is collapsed over there with a butterknife and two small holes impaled into his armor?"

"He tried to take all the food Emiya gave the two. Simple as that."

"Did anyone tell them that he's cooking more though?"

"And miss out on eating some ourselves?"

"Ah, point."

* * *

**Author's Note: For those even slightly curious.**

**Point A: Teriyaki Beef**

**Point B: Salt and Pepper Pork**

**Point C: Roasted Chicken**

**Point D: Mashed Potatoes**

**Point E: Bread and Rice**

**Point F: Drinks.**

**The 'weapons' were of course a fork, knives and chopsticks. Yes, there's veggies in there, somewhere.**

***was it Teal? Sea Blue? Blue Pool? Cyan? Leaf Green? Turtle Green? This old man gives up figuring out her eye color! This old man swears it was somewhere in that color scheme!**


	13. Nobu Dojo!

Emiya blinked as he once again came back to a familiar setting. The last thing he could even recall was staring at something that wasn't a human head and the split second feeling of pain coming from his chin. Knowing the drill by now, he glanced up to see the Dojo's name.

Welcome to the Nobu Dojo!

As Emiya wondered who (or what) was Nobu, he heard the full blown chunnibyou laughter of a young girl coming from behind. Turning around he saw a short nearly flat chested girl with long black hair and red eyes wearing a mini skirt and a red T-shirt with the word 'BUSTER' splashed across the chest area.

"Welcome," the girl stated with as much 'oomph' her body could give, "I am Servant Demon Archer, Oda Nobunaga!"

The sounds of fanfare appear as two...beings...that seem like some cartoony version of Oda appeared on each side of her and shot their confetti cannons into the air as she laughed again for effect.

"Now," she said as she pointed towards the readers, "You may wonder why I am dressed in my Berserker form when I am still a Demon Archer is quite easy to explain..."

The view zooms up to her face as her eyes changed into from red to white holes that took over half her face.

"BECAUSE IT'S SUMMER AND ARMEDLORD 2.0 GOES AND WORKS IN A PLACE THAT CAN BE CONSIDERED AS A HOT DESERT AREA ALONG WITH BEING IN AN EVEN HOTTER KITCHEN FOOLS! I'M PRACTICALLY MELTING OUT HERE! GET ME SOME WATER DAMN IT!"

The view zooms out to see more of her form as she closes her eyes, gives out a couple of coughs and reopens her once again red eyes.

"As much as I would love to toot my own horn," Oda said with much glee, "we probably should discuss about your dead end before I turn into a melted form of a Nobu. In fact, from the previous chapter of Man off the Moon, Armedlord 2.0 tried making a dojo omake before this one as well, but couldn't get more than a few sentences due to not being good with BB and her 'daughters' as a whole."

A sign with the words 'Stay on topic!' whizzes towards her head, only to be easily caught between two of her fingers.

"HA!" Oda crowed, "I have 4th wall breaking powers so I know everything! And we are on topic! This is a Bad End Dojo, we're in an omake and I am talking about dead ends! There's no off topic! In fact, I believe I've nabbed the script for that scrapped omake before Armedlord 2.0 threw it away in shame."

Oda pulls out a few sheets of paper that's been waterlogged, burnt and many, many cuts in several places.

"I do wonder just how it got to such a state," Oda said with a bit of confusion. She then perks up as if in response to her inquiry, fog began to cover the dojo hiding everything from view. "Oh? A flashback is coming? While the special effects to do it is bland, there are more important things to do! Onwards flashback!"

* * *

The fog clears away, revealing a chubby asian man with greying hair who was currently playing Azur Lane on his tablet, Langrisser on his other tablet, FGO on his smartphone, Utawarerumono: Mask of Truth on his PS4, Summon Night 5 on his Vita, Octopath Traveler on his Switch, a book about Ciaphas Cain on his lap and typing away on his computer all at once. A sloppy title exclaiming the man to be 'Armedlord 2.0: The Lazy Bastard'.

"Hmmm," Oda's voice appeared out of nowhere, "I guess he forgot to tip the man or something."

The sound of a door opens and three girls, a redhead, a brunette and a bluette* walks in. The titles in blazing red, green and blue reveal their names respectively: Hikaru Shidou, Fuu Hououji and Umi Ryuuzaki. As the trio of girls were walking towards Armedlord 2.0, everything suddenly stops as the sounds of heavy footsteps appear and the panting of a man echoes into the background.

"Magical Girls!" The voice of Edward Teach sounds out, "He met with Magical Girls and not tell me about it?!"

"Teach!" Oda's voice echo's again, "Don't interrupt the flashback!"

"But Magical Girls!" Teach ranted, "I need to get autographs and then to lickly licky them!"

"**...Show your corpse to the Three Thousand Worlds...Demon Descent! Behold, the Demon King's Three Line Formation!**"

The sounds of a high pitched girly scream as well as a thousand muskets sound off in the background. Moments later, the sounds of combat end to return to near silence.

"Okay! Teach is disposed! Back to the flashback!"

Hikaru was the first to reach the man's back, placed her hands on her hips as asked what was a very serious question to her.

"Why haven't you been playing Super Robot Wars T recently?"

"The fuck dude!" Armedlord 2.0 yelped as he turned his chair towards the trio, "How'd you get into my room?!"

"Just answer my question!"

Flinching at the response, he glanced at all that he was doing before staring back into Hikaru's red eyes.

"Well first off," Armedlord 2.0 began, "I do have a job and that job limits my free time to two days. Secondly, I have this huge backlog of games so I'm taking turns in playing them. Your turn will come again in a month or two so don't worry."

At this, Hikaru, Fuu and Umi clasps their hands together, gave a teary eyed expression and got close enough to be face to face with him.

"But, but we've been a wish for the fans of the Super Robot Wars series for twenty years! Don't you want to see us preform? Also the game we are in also includes Cowboy Bebop, Martian Successor Nadesico, G Gundam and Gunbuster! All anime that you had watched when you were younger! Don't you want to see how much such a crossover meshes into a game?"

"Look," As Armedlord 2.0 lifted up his arm and aimlessly poked Hikaru, "I said that I'll get to you and SRW T later, so you don't have to- uh oh."

His interruption of his own words were because his aimless poked her rather small chest area.

"Sorry!" He said in alarm as hastily removed his finger and brought both arms in the 'stop' gesture, "I didn't mean to touch your nearly flat chest and- Aw crap!"

As if fate wanted him dead, his hands were conveniently placed on Umi's and Fuu's chests. Any intelligent thought vanished and led to the first thing that led to his mind as a fierce aura of red, green and blue erupted from the girls.

"...I suppose it helps that I don't go after Jailbait?"

**"Honoo no Y-"**

**"Midori no Shi-"**

**"Mizu no Ry-"**

* * *

The flashback stops with the image of Armedlord 2.0 grinning stupidly as bolts of flame, water and wind were about to hit him. The image seems to tilt from the bottom right as it has Oda Nobunaga coming from that area from grabbing its edges and tossing it away, revealing that the entire flashback was being shown from a flat screen TV. In the background is a badly wounded Teach crawling away to find a medkit.

"AH HA HA HA!" Oda laughed, "So that's why he looks like a mummy for a few days!"

The view changes towards what appears to be Armedlord 2.0 in several bandages, while giving Oda the middle finger, before going back to Oda who was looking to the side.

"Oh come now," Oda said as she took of her clothes to reveal her swimsuit, put on some sunglasses, changed her nearly flatless breasts into C+ cup sized in an instant and gave them an experimental squeeze," You know you love me!"

Nodding in satisfaction from the blood that erupted from off view, she turned back to Emiya, who was resigned at merely being the readers view point by now.

"Now back to how you got YOUR dead end here Emiya," Oda said between giggles, "You died because you took a few seconds too long staring at the 'head' of the Geth that you didn't bother to look down at the 'body' that was still aiming at you, thus killing you. Next time, just take a look down to avoid that fate."

At that the light begin to darken, shocking Oda.

"WAIT!" She cried out in panic, "The omakes over already?! I didn't even get the chance to promote for the summer events that include me! Come back!"

The last thing Emiya saw in mind before it turned to complete darkness was Oda rapid firing both the rerun of the first Summer event and then the second one with heated gestures.


End file.
